I don't get all you Valentine's Day haters. I'm not a church-goer, but I can get into the spirit of Christmas. People have all sorts of planned affection or goodwill dates - birthdays, anniversaries - why on Valentine's day does everyone complain that it's not spontaneous? You don't pass up jelly beans on Easter because it's all so contrived.
I think it's clear that what is going on here is that as part of the larger war on love in this country, you people are waging a war on Valentine's Day. Well, I'm not going to stand for it. My husband may be out of town tonight, but that won't stop me from drinking wine and eating chocolates and drunk-dialing him later, all lovey-dovey.
And don't you even try to tell me "Happy holidays."
UPDATE: The Daily Show stole my joke! Dammit.